I’ve never been one to throw in the towel so quickly on anything in my life, but as I am getting older I am finding that it is a lot easier sometimes just to throw your hands in the air and surrender. I pick and choose my battles. Sometimes I pick wrong though and sometimes I wish I had fought harder. And while this sounds like a good characteristic to have, I am starting to doubt myself and wondering if I this “I don’t care” attitude is starting to take over who I am… Or who I was?

More so now than ever, I refuse to argue with people. When I was in my early twenties, I definitely thought that everything I did was correct and had a mindset that I was always right. But I’ve grown up and through experience and actually my grad school career and various jobs, have found that most of the time I did not know it all and I actually needed to shut my mouth. Overtime, the embarrassment of being wrong has slowly slid me into this “IDC” attitude.

And I can’t put my finger on if it’s a good way to live life or not. I know there are things I get upset about and show emotion towards and mainly those things circle around my family, my friends and my future, but little shit just really has no effect on me anymore. Fights with people are meaningless, people slacking off at work doesn’t bother me like it used to, and worrying about what others think of me, is really a thing of the past. And that bothers me. Because, well… should it? Does that mean that I am becoming an emotionless person about those around me and not in my immediate circle of friends and family? Am I throwing the towel in every time something gets tough or hard just so I don’t feel any hurt, emotion, or connection? Or embarrassment?
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This is a hard thing to understand, I get that, but it is an even harder thing to fix. It is almost like I have gone from one extreme to the next. I used to be so crazy and obsessive about things that it would drive me nuts if I wasn’t the one who read over a paper or assignment before it was handed in or if someone did something differently than I did. But now I am to a point where almost nothing phases me anymore. I don’t get worked up on the little shit or the things I can not control, because in the end, what’s going to be is going to be. And while I realize that I might need to start caring alittle bit more, I almost reflect and think I would rather care less than too care too much and be disappointed. And while it may be growing up that has lead me to this place, it could also be embarrassment that took it to another level. I need to find that happy medium of caring, and caring about the right things at the right time and place. Sometimes it is worth standing your ground and standing up for what you want. But other times, it’s better to just let go xo